Family Guy Holiday Card/Transcript
snowing outside and The Griffin House is decorated for Christmas; Lois, Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian are inside, watching Christmas Specials on TV :enters, through the front door :Peter: Hey, everybody. :Lois: Oh, Hi Peter. How was your day? :Peter: Ugh, the boss sent out one of those stupid holiday video cards at work. :Lois: Well, what's wrong with that? That's nice. :Peter: No it's not. It's pointless flummery, that's so obviously empty, that it's insulting. I mean, don't try to connect with me. You know, don't-don't pretend like you give a crap. :Brian: I agree. Whenever someone sends one of E-cards to someone else, they're basically sending them a big fat holiday fuck you for Christmas. :Meg: Someone just messaged me a short video of Modern Family. :rings :Lois: Who could that be? :Stewie: Well, we know it's not The Flintstones. :opens the front door; Gary and Dana enter :Lois: Gary Newman and Dana Walden? :Peter: Aw, shit! Guys, we're cancelled again. :Meg: Oh no! :Brian: Aw, again? :Chris: I'm pay or play. Who cares? :Dana: Relax, Griffins. We're just here to wish everyone a happy holiday season. :Gary: Yeah, and we brought a gift. :takes out a bottle of wine :Dana: Jorian Hill. You brought wine from your vineyard? Isn't that a bit much? :Gary: Oh, I'm sorry. Is my vineyard not as good as your vineyard? :Dana: I don't have a vineyard. :Gary: Exactly. :walks up to Gary :Peter: Hey, nice to see you again, Gary. Hey, who's this? Your secretary? :Gary: No, Peter. This is Dana Walden. We're the chairmen of 20th Century Fox Television. :Peter: Gary Aha. Alright. I get it. Like-like how, ... when we go to a restaurant, I pay for dinner, but I still make the kids thank mom. :Gary: No, that's not it at all. Dana and I are partners. :Peter: You two are gay guys? :Chris: Like Modern Family! :Stewie: Hey, you know, speaking of those guys, I just want you to know, I intend to honor my contract. You know, I-I'm not one of those entitled rabblerousers. Okay, I mean not-not this year, anyway. :Lois: Well, it's great to have you two here, this year. :gestures to the coffee table, and there's food and drinks on it :Lois: There's food and drinks in the table, if you want anyth- :kicks the wine off the table :Gary: No! :Lois: What the hell? :Gary: My wine! ... We're having my wine. :Lois: Boy, your vineyard is becoming more of a vane-yard, huh? chuckles :Dana: laughs :Stewie: Dana Really? :Dana: What? It was funny. :Stewie: Uh-uh. Dana, my darling, you're better than that. :Lois: Come on, guys. Let's stop all the fussing. It's Christmas. :Chris: No, it's just December. :Lois: Oh, you know what I mean! :Gary: Well, when Christmas does come, I hope you all have a very merry one. :Chris: Well, Gary, if you wanna live to see that day, I suggest you start rationing food and get into a nuclear bunker, sometime before the twenty first. :Meg: Jeez, Chris. Enough with all this ancient Mayan apocalypse, shit. :Chris: It's going to happen, Meg! Didn't you see those dead birds dropping from the sky yesterday!? :to Meg in her room; Chris crashes in, through the ceiling :Meg: Aaaah! :Chris: out a bird DEAD BIRDS DROPPING FROM THE SKY, MEG! AND THIS ONE WAS PERFECTLY HEALTHY! :Meg: That bird's not dead. :snaps the bird's neck :Chris: AND THIS ONE WAS PERFECTLY HEALTHY! :back to scene :Brian: Hey, Gary, Dana. I know you're looking for a new show, :Stewie: offscreen Oh, boy. :Brian: And if you're ever scrapped for candidates, :Stewie: offscreen They'll never be. :Brian: Here's food for thought. :Stewie: offscreen Ignore him. :Brian: Faster Than the Speed of Love: The Series. :Stewie: offscreen groan :Gary: And, what makes you think we're looking for a show? :Brian: Well, it's just that I know you'll be having an opening soon. :shows up at the window and knocks on the pane :Cleveland: Hey, Dana? Gurry? Could-could I talk to you for like two seconds? :closes the curtains on Cleveland :Dana: Happy holidays from everyone at 20th Century Fox Television. :Peter: Yeah, Merry Christmas, and to all of our Jewish friends, Merry Tyler Moore. :Cleveland: from outside the house I'm just gunna be waiting out here, by your car. :Dana: Did you notice they barely wrote any lines for me? :Meg: Yeah, me neither. :Dana: Shut up, Meg. Category:Transcripts